I cant remember what I've sent you and what I haven't...so if you already have
some of this...just giggle again.....
==========================================
>>True story from San Francisco
>>
>>A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
>>measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
>>received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.
>>Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
>>Several days later, he received a letter from the police department
>>that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
>>
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>True story from Orange County
>>
>>A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead
>>with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile
>>away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for
>>weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as
>>he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking
>>place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal
>>to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to
>>the robbery.
>>
>>The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he
>>gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone
>>who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed
>>all day.
>>
>>A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X
>>lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she
>>replies that his is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The
>>police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
>>asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the
>>garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights
>>still flashing.
>>
>>This is allegedly a true story, told by the driver at his first AA
>>meeting, according to the newspaper account.
---------------------------------------
>Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students
>if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY". One little boy
>stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing
>in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a
>TRAGEDY."
>
>"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
>
>A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove
>off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a TRAGEDY."
>
>I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT
>LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
>"What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an
>example of a TRAGEDY?"
>
>Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
>speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up
>by a bomb, *that* would be a TRAGEDY."
>
>"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that
>would be a TRAGEDY?"
>
>"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and it
>certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"
=====================================
>> >A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into
>> >a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
>> >farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
>> >but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes
>> back
>> >to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
>>
>> >the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
>>
>> >forward saving him from sinking!
>> >
>> >A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
>> again
>> >and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the
>> >horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
>> think I
>> >can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole
>> and
>> >said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken
>> did and
>> >pulled himself to safety.
>> >
>> >The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes to pick up chicks.
=============================================
>How Mil Specs Live Forever
>
>The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
>8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
>Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US
>railroads were built by English expatriates.
>
>Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first
>rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
>tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
>
>Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
>tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building
>wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
>
>Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they
>tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the
>old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel
>ruts.
>
>So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
>Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
>The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts,
>which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons,
>were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made
>for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel
>spacing.
>
>Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States
>standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the
>original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war
>chariot. MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever.
>
>So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what
>horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the
>Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate
>the back-ends of two war horses.
========================================
>The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
>they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
>decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a
>forest and has each of them try to catch it.
>
>The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
>forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
>three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
>rabbits do not exist.
>
>Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
>the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
>they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
>
>Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a
>badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm
>a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
=====================================
>While Bill, Hillary and Chelsie were vacationing in Wyoming the
>housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't
>been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead
>in the bottom of it's cage.
>
>The housekeeper set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly
>every pet store in Washington. After several hours of looking, she came
>across an exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the
>shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam
>and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The
>housekeeper said that no one would ever know and took the bird back to
>the White House.
>
>The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsie walked
>through the room and the bird said, "Too young."
>
>A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with,
>"Too old."
>
>That afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI
>BILL!"
>
=================================================
>Subject: Practicing Law
>
>Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the United States District Court for the
>Northern District of Texas has a monthly article in the Texas Bar
>Journal. He prints reader submissions of humorous exchanges between
>lawyers and witness taken from deposition and trial transcripts. This
>one is a classic:
><Yor S
>
> Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause
> of death of the patient?
>
> Doctor: That's correct.
>
> Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency
> room?
>
> Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.
>
> Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the
> hospital?
>
> Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in
> the emergency room a short time after arriving.
>
> Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
>
> Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not
> involved with the patient initially.
>
> Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency
> room?
>
> Doctor: That is what the records indicate.
>
> Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him
> dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at
> that time?
>
> Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that
> was the cause of death.
>
> Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to
> examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?
>
> Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him
> dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is
> in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the
> patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law
> somewhere.
======================================================
SKIRT TOO TIGHT
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she
can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries
again. Skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the
zipper some more. She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.
Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto
the bus. She spins around and says very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you
well enough for you to do that!!"
The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip
my fly three times either!"
===================================================
> Bullets
>
> A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first
> available
> teller. At that moment, the bank gets robbed and she is shot three
> times
> in the stomach. She is rushed to the hospital where she recovers. As
> she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says
> "You're
> going to have triplets. They're fine, but each one has a bullet
> lodged
> in its stomach. "Don' t worry," he says, "the bullets will pass
> through
> their system through normal metabolism." Sure enough, the woman has
> three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the
> girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird
> thing!". Her mother asks her what happened. Her daughter replies "I
> passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and
> explains
> all about the incident at the bank. A few weeks later, her other
> daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, "
> I' ve done a very bad thing!", the mother says "Let me guess. You
> passed a bullet into the toilet, right?". The daughter looks up from
> her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know?". The mother comforts
> her child and explains about the incident at the bank. A month later
> the boy comes up and says " Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!". "You
> passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" she asked. "No, I was
> masturbating and shot the dog."
========================================
>Not so funny when you think about it!
>>
>> During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National
>> Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen
>> to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After
>> considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed
>> at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
>> modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union,
>> faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
==============================
Maintenance Complaints
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem:"Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem:"Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem:"DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem:"Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem:"Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem:"IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem:"Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem:"Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
=================================
>HOW'S IT HANGING?
>
>A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly
>lost. It's been
>nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what
>he could forage and
>he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
>
>One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.
>It has vines
>covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings
>in the area.
> However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
>implying someone is home.
>He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard
>almost down to
>the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What
>do you want?" The
>man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't
>had a decent
>meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I
>could have a
>meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
>
>The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
>condition: You cannot
>mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted
>and hungry, readily
>agrees saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be
>on my way
>tomorrow morning"
>
>The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then
>I'll give you
>the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
>"Ok, Ok" the man
>said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to
>himself, what kind
>of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
>
>Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after
>showering), he saw how
>beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl,
>and while he had
>only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months
>without
>companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional
>monk besides her
>grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off
>each other
>throughout the meal.
>
>That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they
>had quite a time,
>but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept
>back to his room
>later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests
>would be worth
>it after that experience."
>
>Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on
>his chest. He
>opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest.
>On the rock was a
>sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your
>chest".
>
>"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he
>got up and walked
>over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock
>out. On the
>backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst
>Chinese torture test:
>Rock tied to right testicle."
>
>The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be
>grabbed, jumps out
>the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign
>saying "3rd
>worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost"
>
========================================
Subject: Fwd: A Pirate's Life
A seaman meets a pirate in a port, and talk turns to their
adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a
peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me
out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were
battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand
off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Not exactly," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
========================================
That ought to be enough for now....hope you had a couple giggles.....
Leo