You know, its been a rough year. I was diagnosed March 1996. I had a severe
attack while on vacation in Hawaii (live in NY). Paralyzed completely below
the waist, I have since recovered to about 70% functionally, based on my own
loose estimation. Memory loss...I sincerely don't know. It has come up
quite a bit, since the attack and my wife has seemingly dropped the subject
for fear of upsetting me further. Someone brought up the fact that, because
of the incredible changes that any disease makes on your life, it is not
unreasonable to assume a certain preoccupation that would appear to affect
memory. I had begun to believe my "memory loss" was associated with my
neurological problems. Then on reflection, I realized that I might be
attributing more to this than I should. In the past year, I have gone from a
completely physically demanding occupation- Plumber- to a one that demands
more on me mentally, namely being the office manager of a plumbing company.
I don't feel I could have made this transition as successfully as I have
with a memory loss. My memory was pretty shoddy prior to the attack. My
wife had always attributed it to "Male Selective Memory Syndrome", or
translated - if it was important to me I would remember.
I imagine everyone is going through many of the diverse feelings I have been
having over the past year. Some quite a bit more than myself, I'm sure.
This disease has robbed me of "myself". The person I was is gone and I
mourn that loss everyday. I look back on that person with a certain amount
of envy. I also look up that person with a certain amount of disdain...not
knowing at the time how truly great things were. I'm searching for my new
identity. TM has created someone new. To some extent, each experience we
have in our lives shapes us, but I think something catastrophic like this,
truly can alter one's personality. My wife has pointed this out to me in no
uncertain terms and I can't truly argue. My self esteem and self image have
suffered greatly and I'm trying to rebuild them.
Between the ever present daily reminders of this disease and the emotions
surrounding them, I can only say that it would be hard to attribute memory
loss to anything other than preoccupation. I'm not trying to make a snap
judgement. I'm trying to say that it would be hard to make a definite
determination here even in a clinical study.
I appreciate everyone listening to me ramble. This is one place where I feel
comfortable expressing myself, because I know that some of you are having
these same feelings. I've drawn a great deal of comfort already in hearing
how others are coping. I hope I haven't made it sound like I'm going to jump
off a bridge...the spasticity would make that difficult anyway.;-)
Best of health to all,
Gary