Setting limits was the right thing to do. It's her problem. As for the
comments of others, all we can do is what we can do. We can try to educate
the others..but again it's their problem.
Sam
Karen E Casey wrote:
> Dear Kevin-
> I'm very slow in responding, but I understand how perplexing it is to
> have a friend witness a downward spiral and somehow be unable to
> understand one's situation. It has happened to me in November. I had just
> gotten out of the rehab and was still unable to get up into a chair
> without assistance. A friend who was especially close to my sister in
> childhood- more of a casual acquaintance but a bit more because of her
> friendship with my sister- came to visit. That was really nice, and she
> said she would like to come over again soon. I said "That would be nice."
> So she said, "How about tomorrow?" This visit lasted well over six hours,
> and she ignored hints that we needed to get to bed. She then started
> coming over a lot. We love her, but she is very "needy" and spouted all
> her latest problems, while I lay in the hospital bed feeling exhausted
> and headachy. She brought her nine year old who was very demanding and
> noisy, who kept climbing on my husband as her mom kept saying- "If only I
> could find a man like you've got, Karen. Wow, You're lucky he's that good
> to you" if my husband brought me a cool drink or whatever. She laughed
> hysterically at all Jim's jokes and I must admit that was too much- she
> hadn't acted like that but we didn't have her over that much either. She
> invited herself over for Thanksgiving dinner and was going to cook it
> since I couldn't- and I hurt her feelings very bad by telling her that
> my daughter was planning to cook it along with my son.(the truth) Ahe
> got over it. We still allowed her to come and eat, but then did not call
> or ask her over since then- we both needed a break. Three weeks passed
> by, and I did give her a call to find out how her last crisis had worked
> out and then she lit into me. She said "Rachel,(her daughter) had been
> crying and begging to go see "Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen" but that she had
> to tell her- "no, if they want to see us, they'll call." I told her I was
> just trying to adjust to this big change from teaching and being wife and
> mother to doing very little and she responded by saying very
> sarcastically-"Are we? Aren't we all just trying to adjust- what a sorry
> excuse!! If you want to see us- you're going to have to call because I'm
> not going to IMPOSE myself on you!" and then she hung up. I haven't
> called her since, but it is frustrating to unintentionally hurt someone
> just by setting limits- I think reasonable- am I out of line? I don't
> want to never talk to her either- but I am not overly anxious to have her
> over. I know you all are good at advise, so if you have any- I'm
> listening.
>
> Other annoying things that friends who don't understand say :
> "You look just fine- just because you can't walk doesn't mean you can't
> teach. You've got a brain, don't you?"
>
> "You're just using that to get out of teaching- it's so stressful now a
> days., right?"
>
> "I don't know why you don't just get up and walk- it sure looks like you
> could just get right up and walk!"
>
> "You don't need Baclophen or any junk- they know how to help you wtih
> vitamins and diet- they just own stock in the drug industry."
>
> "Why weren't you at ____? I saw you in the mall yesterday- if you could
> be there, you could have gone to ____" (Fill in the blanks)
>
> "Why did you go on disability- that''s just giving up!"
>
> I guess that's enough for now- I don't usually go off like this, but Doc,
> Kevin, I understand and I'm sooooo thankful for all of you who do
> understand my frustrations, pains, dicouragements as well as pleasures,
> triumphs and victories!!!!
>
> Love you all---Karen (Mushroo)