[TMIC] Re: Need to let it out
Mandy Feka (5yearitch(AT)ozline.net)
Sun, 09 May 1999 07:29:15 -0400
Hi all,
Just read all of the postings from all of you.......No way I can
respond to each one right now, but I have saved them, and WILL get back
to each of you when I can. I sincerely appreciate all that is done and
said here, by all of you. You are doing God's work, in that you make
miracles possible for each other. If that miracle is nothing more than
to bring a smile to a face full of tears, or hope to someone who feels
hopeless. To someone, somewhere, these are answered prayers. You all are
someone's answered prayer.
I have more secrets than any person should have. I know in my
heart that any one of you, and every single member of my family, without
exception, would do , or say, anything that you even thought had the
potential to help, or ease my mind. In realizing the advice I was given,
by all of you, I feel that I need to be honest with you. I have talked
to my family already, and they are doing everything they can, as always.
When I was initially diagnosed, the doctors told my husband and
I that they could not rule out MS as a possibility, and that without
further testing, they couldn't say for sure. Three years ago, Peter and
I went to have the tests done, because we were trying to have a baby,
and wanted to know if this would be a problem. (We have tried invitro,
but my uterus won't hold the weight of a fetus, it's too weak) In any
event, we had the tests done, and I do have MS. Peter and I found out
three years ago, and were horrified. We decided that it wasn't an issue
at the time,(meaning it wasn't making me sick)and that we would get
upset when, and if it became an issue. We decided not to tell our
families. We decided that we didn't feel the need to make everyone as
upset as we were, especially since it wasn't making me sick at the time.
I was actually at my healthiest since the initial diagnosis. Which gave
us both plenty of fuel for denial. Which is how we have spent the last
three years. We are both relieved to have someone, anyone, know our
secret. It was a painful one. My husband lives in fear everyday, I live
in pain and fear everyday, and our family lives in worry and fear
because they don't know what is going on. Since I decided to tell them
all, and all of you here, I feel like I have kicked everyone who cared,
or even tried too, right in the rear end. I am not proud of myself, nor
is Peter. We are young people, and new at this "what to say, and when to
say it, and how to say it" stuff. I think that Peter and I were in so
much pain, that neither of us could have expressed it then, even to each
other. And we honestly haven't discussed it, until this time. We are
talking about it openly now. Tears and screaming and all. Peter tells me
that he still doesn't believe it. I asked him yesterday if he thought
that I should have the tests again to see, and he said no. I told him
that I thought he didn't believe the last tests. He said that he
believed it, he just didn't want to. He is laying on the couch next to
my desk sleeping right now. My husband is 6'3", 275 lb.., and beautiful.
For the last few days, he has been 6'3", 275 lb.., and trying to look
beautiful, under so much stress and pain. He will always look beautiful
to me, but when I look at him now, I see so many things. I see pain, and
fear, and tired, and worry, and that never ending smile for me, that I
know is the hardest thing he did all day. I love Peter with everything
that I am, and my family too, but pain is not something that I ever
wanted to give them, even if it meant hurting worse myself. I still
don't want to stay in my own skin because of how it feels to have hurt
them, and disappointed their dreams for me. But I know that they are
strong, and I know that they will get through this together. I know this
because I know all of them, and I feel the need to let you and them know
how much they were helping when they didn't even know. I felt the need
to handle this myself for a long time. I felt like I could, although I
never felt like I had too. was so sure of my strength and my ability to
persevere, that I didn't feel the need to share my load for a long time.
Although I agree now, that it was probably the most unhealthy thing I
ever did, I thank God for the family that gave me the strength to carry
the things that life throws at me. The strength it has taken, and will
take, to get through this, they gave me. Each of them, a piece at a
time, has built me up to be a very strong, capable, woman of faith. What
I derive from them doesn't come out of their mouth with perfect words,
it comes from who they are, and my need to be with them, and all that I
learn by having them in my life. Being in my life is all you have to do
to help me. Knowing that you love me, and knowing each of you as a
person, gives me more strength than anything that you have ever said or
done. I feel honored to have the love and respect of people of such
character and faith.
This life may take my body and twist it, it may take my mind and make it
wander into places it shouldn't, but it will never take from me the
strength and the courage that I have to LIVE this life, and enjoy
everything, and every person in it. God gave me my family, and they
gave me that strength and courage, sometimes my cup runneth over,
sometimes my cup runneth low, and there you are, my blessings, to fill
it back up.
Everyone on this list is one of my blessings. I wasn't blessed with a
wonderful body, or the mind to always know what is right, but I was
blessed with people in my life to help me make my way, and in your own
ways, each of you helps me do that. I thank you from the bottom of my
heart, and hope that each of you can find the love in your life that my
family gives to me. It really is the most awesome of all gifts. Love to
you all, Mandy