Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
-- and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the
office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down
by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means
I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work
its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find
your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker
and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient:
I have good news and bad news: the good news is that
you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money
******************************
Subject: Old Age Thoughts
OLD FOLKS ARE WORTH A FORTUNE
Old folks are worth a fortune:
With silver in their hair, gold in
their teeth, stones in their kidneys,
lead in their feet and gas in their
stomachs. I have become a lot more
social with the passing of years; some
might even call me a firvolous old gal.
I'm seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake, Will Power
helps me get out of bed. Then I
go to see John. Then Charley Horse
comes along, and when he is here he
takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows
up and stays the rest of the day, (He
doesn't like to stay in one place very
long, so he takes me from joint to
joint.) Afrer such a busy day, I'm
really tired and glad to go to bed---
with Ben Gay. What a life!
P.S. The preacher came to call
the other day. He said at my age
I should be thinking about the here-
after. I told him I do -- all the time.
No matter where I am-- in the palor,
upstairs in the kitchen or down in
the basement--I ask myself,
"Now, what am I here after?"
************************
> A group of people were traveling cross-country on a
> Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the
> interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said,
> "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who is
> bothering me."
>
> The driver said he'd stop at the very next exit. A short
> while later, another woman came up and made the same
> complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he
> walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little, old,
> baldheaded man down on his hands and knees.
>
> The bus driver asked, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
>
> "Well," says the little, old man, "I lost my toupee and I'm
> looking for it. I thought I'd found it several times, but
> mine parts on the side."