Peter and I are reading all of the posts together and you need not
worry that either of us is offended. With the help of this group of people,
and their suggestions and ideas, we have both found ways of doing things and
resolving things that we didn't even know were possible. In the words of one
of our friends, " sometimes the feelings can be so blinding that you can't see
what's right in front of you." We are both doing that, and we both know it.
Only through allowing ourselves to grow and change and mature in our marriage
can we ever hope to have a good one. This too is only part of that process
that will get us to where we want to be in our marriage. We are only 29 and
32, and do not claim to know the half of it, much less all of it, but there is
enough love between us to admit our shortcommings to each other, and allow
time and space to correct them. Being honest with each other has never been an
issue, being honest with ourselves has been a big one lately. It is easy to
have "young expectations", but almost impossible sometimes to get rid of them,
and knowing what you are supposed to replace them with gets even harder. I
love my husband enough to call out to anybody to help anyway they can when I
feel as if we can't handle it alone, especially when threatened with divorce.
Telling anyone what was going on was humiliating for me, but now I am proud
that I wasn't afraid to yell HELP when I felt my life threatened, and my
marriage is the single most important thing in my life, along with my
children. Now, I feel blessed, still stinging in places from not feeling
mature enough to know all of this already, but blessed that none of you held
that against me, but chose to help me with the problem, and I am sitting here
today in amazement at the way all of you have calmed Peter, and eased his
mind. He said he didn't mean the things he said, he was feeling overwhelmed
and just wanted to run. The words were his way of fighting what he percieved
as a threat to his sanity. There has been a tremendous amount of turmoil in
our lives for about four months. Our families have been through traumatic
ilnesses, we are staying with my parents (10 of us under one roof), We don't
see each other much, or get to spend much time together, and TM complications
have been giving me trouble since the begining of December, so I am not always
the most patient wife. Peter has never missed a day of work in our married
lives that wasn't for a family emergency, and as of late, we've been having a
lot of them. He has stress about things that hadn't even crossed my mind, and
vice versa. We are getting back to the part where we held each other and
cried, and said what we really are feeling, instead of opening your mouth on
the run, and not realizing what's falling out of it, or who you're hurting in
the process. Thank you for your words of encouragement, the only way to solve
a problem is to realize what the problem is, and we have found many problems
and resolutions in the thoughts and feelings of those people who cared enough
to share, and the ones that prayed for us because they didn't know what to
say. We both feel encouraged that so many of you have been where we are, and
that we have the benefit of your hindsight. Thank you endlessly, Mandy
JHarper33(AT)aol.com wrote:
> Dear, dear Mandy~
>
> My heart goes out to you. I haven't thrown in my two cents yet because I've
> been pondering your notes. I don't have an "answer", but here are some
random
> thoughts.
>
> My hope would be that you and Peter could sit down and talk all of this
over.
> I would guess in five years you have attempted that. He needs to understand
> just how this ailment affects people and that the "problem" is TM, not you.
> Has he read some of the other posts from the list and understood that some
of
> the problems you face are common to TMers?
>
> Certainly TM was not what he bargained for -- it wasn't what you or any of
us
> planned on either. No one is guaranteed a trial-free life. With TM there is
> an odd combination of accepting certain limitations and yet pushing against
> those limitations. Certainly there has to be an acceptance that things are
> different and may never again be what they were. But I think the key, or one
> key, is to regroup and not get stuck wishing for things to be the way they
> used to be. Certainly there may be longing for that, but to stay in that
frame
> of mind can only foster discontent. He needs to understand that things have
> changed, we hope things get better physically, but this is the way they are
> now, and negativity doesn't help at all.
>
> My husband and I took our wedding vows "before God and these witnesses" very
> seriously: divorce is not in the vocabulary; leaving each other is not an
> option; neither is making each other miserable while together. Part of those
> vows mentioned "for better, for worse; in sickness and in health...." and TM
> certainly falls under the categories of "sickness" and "worse". My husband,
> whom I deeply appreciate for this, rarely loses his temper or raises his
> voice. He does get irritated at the problems TM brings into our lives, and
> sometimes I have gotten my feelings hurt at that, but I have to remind
myself
> his irritation is at TM, not me. But the commitment to each other and love
for
> each other is always there. Your husband seems to be directing his
> anger/irritation/frustration at you rather than the invisible enemy of TM;
he
> needs to get on your side and fight this battle with you, not against you.
> Have you asked him...is there something I do or don't do that is making you
> angry, or is it just the TM and the changes it brought, and you are taking
it
> out on me?
>
> The world out there has a very self-centered view of love -- Guy loves girl
> (and vice versa) for how she looks, how she makes him feel, what she does
for
> him, and if any of that changes, well, then, it was nice while it lasted,
> honey, but good-bye. Certainly those things are nice aspects of love, but
they
> are not the central issue: real love, mature love, focuses on the other, on
> how I can meet my spouses needs: it is an act of the will, not a random warm
> feeling that conks a couple on the head in an inspirational moment.
> Some good friends of ours were missionaries to Spain but came home to care
for
> his mother when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I remember his wife,
Pam,
> saying something to the effect that when you start out taking care of
someone
> like that, you have warm altruistic feelings about it; but then in the
everday
> grind, those warm feelings aren't always there. But that doesn't mean the
love
> is not there. It is just as loving for a Mom to get up in the middle of the
> night and feed and care for her baby, even though she's half-asleep and not
> feeling particularly warm and loving, as it is when she's smiling and cooing
> at the baby in the light of day and dreaming grand dreams for the future.
Real
> love, actually, looks like this:
>
> Love is patient, love is kind,
> and is not jealous:
> love does not brag
> and is not arrogant,
> does not act unbecomingly;
> it does not seek its own,
> is not provoked,
> does not take into account
> a wrong suffered,
> does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
> but rejoices with the truth;
> bears all things,
> believes all things,
> hopes all things,
> endures all things.
>
> 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
>
>
> None of us has that perfectly: it only comes from God. And I hope Peter can
> develop and nurture that kind of love in spite of the changes TM has
brought.
> If not, please do not feel that life is not worth living. It is, because it
is
> your life and God gave it to you. You cannot change him or his reactions, as
> someone else said so well; you can only take care of your reactions.
>
> I don't mind if you let Peter read this, but I hope he doesn't feel I'm
> scolding him or preaching at him. I only know one side of the story and I'm
> not setting myself up as a counselor; as I said, these are just different
> thought that have come to mind as I mulled over your notes. If I have
> overstepped my bounds or offended, I apologize. But I do just hope and pray
> you guys can get on the same side and make a go of it together.
>
> Best wishes,
> Barbara H.
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