My heart goes out to you. I haven't thrown in my two cents yet because I've
been pondering your notes. I don't have an "answer", but here are some random
thoughts.
My hope would be that you and Peter could sit down and talk all of this over.
I would guess in five years you have attempted that. He needs to understand
just how this ailment affects people and that the "problem" is TM, not you.
Has he read some of the other posts from the list and understood that some of
the problems you face are common to TMers?
Certainly TM was not what he bargained for -- it wasn't what you or any of us
planned on either. No one is guaranteed a trial-free life. With TM there is
an odd combination of accepting certain limitations and yet pushing against
those limitations. Certainly there has to be an acceptance that things are
different and may never again be what they were. But I think the key, or one
key, is to regroup and not get stuck wishing for things to be the way they
used to be. Certainly there may be longing for that, but to stay in that frame
of mind can only foster discontent. He needs to understand that things have
changed, we hope things get better physically, but this is the way they are
now, and negativity doesn't help at all.
My husband and I took our wedding vows "before God and these witnesses" very
seriously: divorce is not in the vocabulary; leaving each other is not an
option; neither is making each other miserable while together. Part of those
vows mentioned "for better, for worse; in sickness and in health...." and TM
certainly falls under the categories of "sickness" and "worse". My husband,
whom I deeply appreciate for this, rarely loses his temper or raises his
voice. He does get irritated at the problems TM brings into our lives, and
sometimes I have gotten my feelings hurt at that, but I have to remind myself
his irritation is at TM, not me. But the commitment to each other and love for
each other is always there. Your husband seems to be directing his
anger/irritation/frustration at you rather than the invisible enemy of TM; he
needs to get on your side and fight this battle with you, not against you.
Have you asked him...is there something I do or don't do that is making you
angry, or is it just the TM and the changes it brought, and you are taking it
out on me?
The world out there has a very self-centered view of love -- Guy loves girl
(and vice versa) for how she looks, how she makes him feel, what she does for
him, and if any of that changes, well, then, it was nice while it lasted,
honey, but good-bye. Certainly those things are nice aspects of love, but they
are not the central issue: real love, mature love, focuses on the other, on
how I can meet my spouses needs: it is an act of the will, not a random warm
feeling that conks a couple on the head in an inspirational moment.
Some good friends of ours were missionaries to Spain but came home to care for
his mother when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I remember his wife, Pam,
saying something to the effect that when you start out taking care of someone
like that, you have warm altruistic feelings about it; but then in the everday
grind, those warm feelings aren't always there. But that doesn't mean the love
is not there. It is just as loving for a Mom to get up in the middle of the
night and feed and care for her baby, even though she's half-asleep and not
feeling particularly warm and loving, as it is when she's smiling and cooing
at the baby in the light of day and dreaming grand dreams for the future. Real
love, actually, looks like this:
Love is patient, love is kind,
and is not jealous:
love does not brag
and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own,
is not provoked,
does not take into account
a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
None of us has that perfectly: it only comes from God. And I hope Peter can
develop and nurture that kind of love in spite of the changes TM has brought.
If not, please do not feel that life is not worth living. It is, because it is
your life and God gave it to you. You cannot change him or his reactions, as
someone else said so well; you can only take care of your reactions.
I don't mind if you let Peter read this, but I hope he doesn't feel I'm
scolding him or preaching at him. I only know one side of the story and I'm
not setting myself up as a counselor; as I said, these are just different
thought that have come to mind as I mulled over your notes. If I have
overstepped my bounds or offended, I apologize. But I do just hope and pray
you guys can get on the same side and make a go of it together.
Best wishes,
Barbara H.