OT-Mandy and Peter
Mandy Feka (5yearitch(AT)netscape.net)
28 Mar 99 07:34:36 EST
I feel as if I no longer exist. I love to spend time eith my husband, I love
talking to him. But he is so busy running from everything and chasing the
dollar so intently, that nothing else even occurs to him. I have had TM for
five years now. Since I got it, I have been nothing but a source of weight
around my husbands neck, and he is sure to tell me that regularly. Litterally
in those words. I realize that I am not the most attractive person because of
some of my health problems, I also realize that When someone is in pain, they
are probably not much fun. But what I am realizing is what people mean when
they say,"don't throw the baby out with the bath water". I have learned what
that means and how it feels to have it done to you. I am no longer a person in
his eyes, I am a disease, and a never ending problem with a woman attached. I
have not spent five minutes alone with my husband in over a year at his
invitation. He has no interest in me, or any of the things I like, or how I am
feeling, or what I think. My husband thinks of me to the extent that because I
have this shit, it is just more problems for him. I quit being a person in his
eyes the minute this all started. I have lost his, respect, love, attention,
trust, his inclination to spend time with me. His romantic interest has been
dead since I put the first diaper on. TM hasn't taken anything from me that I
feel that I can't live without. What my husband has taken away from me in the
process makes me not want to live.
Sometimes I really wish it would just fry my brain or something. The look on
his face when I am having health problems,is not one of concern. It is a look
of anger and disgust, and he never has a shortage of words to tell me just how
misserable all of this is making HIM. How it effects me or how I feel about it
has always been my problem and not nice to bother him with. I don't want this
disease, I want my life back, I want my marriage back, I want my friend back,
I want all of the diapers on the planet burned, and I want all of the people I
love to stop looking at ME as the disease. I am a person with some health
problems, I am not a problem with a woman attached ! I think sometimes that
when I get sick, that I wish it would just kill me. THere are days when that
would be better than the look on his face and his attitude towards me when he
walks in the door and realizes that I'm not the same as I was this morning. No
one wants things to be the way they used to be more than ME. In all of the
things that this curse has done to me and taken from me, the one that makes me
want to give up, is the loss of my husband and my friend. I don't know that I
have the energy to talk to him about all of this, so I suggested that he talk
to all of you. I don't even want it to exist, and I am more angry and
embarrassed than I have ever been in my life. Not because of TM, but because
my husband "threw the baby out with bath water." Thanks for letting me vent .
btw.......My husband knows how to make a woman feel like the single most
beautiful and important person in the entire world, and made me feel like that
every day that I was with him, until I became unable to all the things I used
to, until I became "the disease that changed his life". Now I have learned
that he also knows how to make a woman very sure that she is unwanted,
unloved, and uncared about, and that is just more information than I can
handle right now. Mandy
P.S. If this is more information than anyone wants, Iapologize in advance,
there is so much inside of me right now, and it feels so heavy, that I needed
to find a place to put it for a while and get it out of my head. I hope that
in doing that, I have not hurt or offended anyone.
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