1. I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
12. Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
13. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
14. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
15. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
16. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
17. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat
cause kids.
18. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop
at the end.
19. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
20. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
round the sun.
21. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in
the bathroom.
22. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
23. Never knock on Death's door;ring the bell and run (he hates that).
24. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
25. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
decide to play chess.
26. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat
belt.
27. There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
28. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
29. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
30. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
31. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
32. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better
attorney.
33. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
***********
Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall,
you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you
is that it goes before you do.
A person who can smile when things go wrong
has found someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy
Saturday when the television's on the blink.
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Some people are like blisters.
They don't show up until the work is done.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow
as tall as his neighbor's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult
while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.