I too am a teacher and researcher. Prior to tm I was considered by my peers
as good in both. I really enjoyed interacting with students at both levels
and considered myself fortunate that I could continue to work and support
my family. Since returning to work I find that I cannot concentrate. The
constant pain, planning catheterisation times and fatigue make it
impossible to perform at my pre tm level. the worst thing is my memory
which seems to be nonexistent. I have tremendous difficulty getting words
from my brain to my mouth and every lecture is an ordeal. I cannot explain
this to my colleagues and I stopped complaining about pain and fatigue a
long time ago. As a result, my workload is the same as it was pre tm and I
just cannot manage it. I too feel like I am faking. I avoid situations
where I may be found out and fall further and further behind each week.
Next October there is a keynote talk that I cannot avoid and I am already
having anxiety attacks. I do not know the root cause of the problem. I
think I could manage if I could get control of the pain. But it may also
have something to do with medications over the years. It is also possible
that I cannot reach the level that I believe my colleagues expect.
Whatever, it is getting more difficult to respond "just fine" to the
question "how are things going" I know that there are people on this list
who are in a much worse position than myself. However, it is some comfort
to know that I am not alone in feeling incompetent.
David.