Finally getting around to your letter from the eightieth. You fell into
the middle recovery group. And it's great that you are recovering so
well and you should continue for some time.
I think for myself 'looking back' the first four years I had the most
dramatic recoveries. It's twelve years now and I still am recovering but
not at any leaps as before. Just slow return of feeling and mostly a
stabilization of my body. Or I'm just learning the signs from it better.
You asked about dreams, goals and such before tm? I was 32 had thirty
six thousand in the bank a home and two business. Now I have thirty six
hundred 'on the first of the month' in the bank and two not so
profitable business. No more twenty two year old girl friends and not to
have another child. I do have a wonderful daughter from a previous
marriage. And working on increasing my income with some more
investments.
I have a great fear that I may fail and rely on the God I worshiped
before I came down with tm. Being in this situation has always been
difficult for me. I was always a man that said to himself "Whatever
happens to this job I can always dig ditches" Now sometimes I feel like
I'm digging that ditch, I'm in the bottom without a ladder and the
forman is telling me to dig my way out. Well I have come to the place in
my life that I realized I will just make a home here in that ditch. I
still have my shovel.)
TM has opened me to new ideas, feelings, understands or what have you.
But to the truth of the matter I wish I never had too. I haven't a clue
why and I never ask why me. I just get up in the morning and do. It's
not bravery or perseverance it's just old stubbornness. I refuse to let
it get the better of me and that's it. Now of course Jesus and my God
the God of my parents has carried me this far and I trust he will carry
me through to my end. But I am no different that most and continue to
have doubt and fears. But then again my family went through the
Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma dust bowl years. And one never gives up and
pushes on or one is too stupid to quite. There seems to be no middle
ground. And that's fine because I find myself either too stupid or too
stubborn and that works for me.
Sorry to ramble but need to today. You just happened to be the post I
got started on. "Just keep going and things well get better". My mother
used to tell me that "God rest her soul".
Davej