I would like to relate an experience I have had in the past couple of months. I was engaged in the process of editing the "In Their Own Words" articles. My approach on these articles has been to edit with a very light hand. The purpose of the articles is to convey an experience that "belongs" to the teller; I try not to interfere too much with style or content. I had received some feedback from someone that I have a great deal of respect for and trust in that I might want to consider a slightly heavier hand in the editing process. We talked about issues of accuracy, sensitivity to personal matters, and good taste.

One of the "In Their Own Words" articles I was working on described the person's reaction to their severe pain and an attempted suicide. The words of my friend came to mind immediately; is this something I want to have communicated to the entire membership in such a public way? Is the description of his suicide attempt too personal for our newsletter? I also thought, with as prevalent as depression is among our TM members, do I want to be publicizing anything at all about suicide? I had considerable angst about the issue, and then finally decided to edit out the reference to the suicide attempt. I was not at all certain that I had made the right decision, but it seemed a safe decision.

Two nights after revising this article, I was reading my current batch of messages from the Transverse Myelitis Internet Club. There was a very short but very disturbing message entitled, "Suicide Attempt." One of our TMIC members, a young girl, had attempted suicide. She had been in counseling; it was suggested that she share her experience with others who have TM and might understand what she has been going through. There was a flurry of activity from the TMIC with many messages sent to her from people who shared their own experiences with depression, who shared thoughts about suicide, and who offered up a strong dose of good advice, empathy and compassion.

This experience rocked me to the core. I have known that depression is a critical issue for many people with TM. I have spoken to many people who are suffering from depression. I have taken phone calls from people in the middle of the night who need to talk through their dark thoughts and sense of hopelessness.

It was her youth, it was the matter of fact delivery of the message, it was her sense of despair. I was emotionally rocked.sad, angry, frustrated, frightened.

The next day, I sat back down at the keyboard, I opened up the "In Their Own Words" article I had been working on, and I typed the following words.

The pain had become so severe that I tried taking my life. How my wife got to the gun before I pulled the trigger, I'll never know.

Who was I going to protect by not sharing these words.certainly not this young girl. When we say, you are not alone, we really have to mean that you are not alone. When you go out into public and have a concern that you might have gas because your sphincters do not work properly, or when you have an accident because you cannot get to a bathroom in time or can not even feel yourself urinate when you do, or cannot achieve an erection or no longer have the same pleasure sensations, or can no longer have an orgasm, or are concerned that you might fall while walking over an uneven crack in the sidewalk, or that you are so depressed that you are not sure you even want to see tomorrow, you need to be able to feel these feelings, you need to be able to have these thoughts, and you need to be able to share these thoughts and feelings with each other.

None of these issues are easy for anyone. For whatever cultural forces that are at work, and none of them are particularly healthy ones, we are not made to feel particularly comfortable talking about these issues. Well, if we can't talk about them, how can we get help for them? And if we are not made to feel comfortable talking about them, how can we feel normal while having these problems?

Well, you are not alone. And you are normal, whatever it is to be normal. Many of you in this TM family are afraid to fall and are embarrassed when it happens. You are struggling with the sexual issues for yourself, and with the relationship concerns that exist for yourself and with your spouse or partner. You experience considerable grief, embarrassment and frustration about all of these bodily functions that just don't function like they used to function. You are anxious to do things alone and are angry about the loss of some or much of your independence. And many of you are very depressed. Really, you are not alone.

I have been reminded, again, what an awesome responsibility I have as the editor of this newsletter. Having TM means that you have very little information about how you got this condition. It means that if you have recently been diagnosed, you have very little information about how much recovery you are going to experience. You have very little information about treatments and you have no information about cures. There are a lot of educated guesses, but there is little definitive information. This newsletter has as a primary purpose to inform and to educate. And it has as a primary purpose to facilitate your seeing yourself as a member of a community that shares your concerns and supports you in the achievement of your physical, emotional and spiritual goals. Getting you the best and most accurate information, communicating the most useful information, offering you the greatest opportunities for networking and mutual support; that is what we are always trying to accomplish in this newsletter.

This job might be performed more effectively by someone with less emotional attachment to the readers. There are times when I cry while reading the surveys and entering the information; particularly the information about the children who have TM. I will try to make the best judgments about what is published in this newsletter. And as with everything I do, the decisions will be based on some amount of educated judgment, some discussion with and advice from the professionals, some exercise of common sense and a healthy dose of my emotional and spiritual self. Most of the time, hopefully, that will result in the correct judgments.

I have a 40-something year old and a 14-year-old to thank for getting me oriented in the "right" direction. Through their honesty, courage and willingness to share in their own very personal experiences, they remind us that we are not alone in our experiences. I hope and pray that today they find themselves without pain, with hope and comfort and with peace. I wish that for all of you. Please take good care of yourselves and each other.